Sugar and Arsenic
by LadyExcalibur2010
Summary: He thinks she's a spoiled drama queen with an ego the size of her paycheck. She just wants to sink her teeth into his...bagels. Edward/Bella
1. Chapter 1: I Hate Everything About You

I don't own these characters. They are the sole property of Stephenie Meyer. I only borrow them. No humans are permanently harmed through my actions, though I do confess to harassing, annoying, torturing, and exasperating them – just because it's fun. I make no money from my little stories, sad day. I only play in the sandbox, I didn't build it.

**Author's Note: This idea has been floating around for a while. I hope to update once or twice a month. It won't be too long. I just need to get this story out. :p**

**Sugar and Arsenic**

**Chapter One: I Hate Everything About You**

He'd seen a lot of spoiled brats in his time, but this one took the cake. Or the bagel in this case. The last bagel. The very last _cinnamon_ bagel. It was enough to make a grown man cry, and he might have been tempted if he hadn't known for a fact that his Nonna had baked him up a special batch of his favorite treat and there were six of the aromatic little miracles waiting for him at the bakery kitchen even as he watched the spoiled brat scarf down the bagel. His bagel. Or it would have been if the world was a fair place and all was right in the universe.

She moved through the crowd like a queen. A rather pissed off, bratty, foot-stomping queen, true, but still pretty damned regal. Easy on the eyes most definitely, but Edward had a feeling she'd be damned hard on the ego. And the heart. That one had heart shredding she-wolf written all over her perfect face. No wonder she went through leading men with such abandon. Edward ducked under the bill of his baseball cap and pretended to be occupied. Not that she'd even spared him as much as a glance. She snatched up that bagel – his bagel – and stomped off. Probably to yell at someone for breathing too loudly or something equally heinous.

Rolling his eyes, Edward turned his attention to restocking the table laden with the baked goodies that his Nonna had sent him over with. If he hadn't loved the old woman with every fiber of his being, he would have told her she was just plug out of luck. But she'd let her rheumy old green eyes tear up, and had sniffed into her hankie, and reminded him of how she and his grandfather had built up their bakery business over the last six decades and how...

Yeah, so that was how he ended up playing delivery boy on a movie set. He understood why this particular job meant so much to his Nonna, but still... It would have been nice to feel a little less pressure to step up and be the good grandson. He shook his head. Like that would ever happen. His Nonna had him right where she wanted him.

Wordlessly, he had spread his Nonna's little bits of baked heaven and watched as the horde gathered to devour them. But the moment the queen bitch had shown up, everyone stepped aside and let her have her pick.

She'd picked the last cinnamon bagel, of course. He had had that last one tucked sort of off to the side, not really hiding it, but not really putting it right out there either. His Nonna had made him promise to put all the stuff on the table, and like a good boy, he'd done as he was told. Sort of. Edward couldn't fault her taste, but its loss still stung. He'd really been looking forward to sinking his teeth into it. Instead, he was watching someone he'd only seen on the big screen eat it. His bagel. The very last damned cinnamon bagel. His mouth still watered in useless anticipation.

Snorting softly to himself, he made sure everything was stocked and arranged and moved back out of the way so that the masses could descend yet again. He plucked his book out of the bag he'd carried in with him, settled into a rather uncomfortable hard chair and began to read, blocking out the sounds and voices and chaos that came along with a movie set.

He heard snatches of conversation and every word he heard just made him that much happier that he'd never wanted to be a star. He wondered why in the hell _anyone_ would want to live like this.

"...could you believe how fat she's gotten! She must be a size four at least..." Edward rolled his eyes, figuring he'd be doing a lot of that while he helped out his Nonna.

"I swear to God if she makes us do one more take of that stupid scene because she's flubbed her lines, I'll-"

"You'll do nothing, because she'll fire your ass and run you out of the business," another voice retorted. Edward wanted to smile, but didn't want them to know he was listening, so he turned the page.

He couldn't remember a damn thing he'd read but it was okay. He'd already read this book half a dozen times.

"...at least you don't have to listen to her bitch about the early morning calls every single morning," a woman interjected. "Every morning, the same old song and dance. Like I didn't have to be here an hour earlier than her!"

"Quit your whining, all of you, and get back to work," a familiar voice boomed out. Edward looked up to see his old friend Emmett lumbering toward the table. He got up from his chair and walked around the table to get the signature bear hug from his buddy.

"Son of a bitch!" Emmett called out. "What the hell are you doing here, Ed?"

Emmett surveyed the table which was practically groaning under the weight of its treasured. Edward shrugged. "Nonna called in a favor," he explained briefly.

"No shit, this is from the bakery? Your _Nonna's _bakery?" Emmett asked eagerly, already grabbing a plate and loading it up. He stopped and looked. "Damn it, no cinnamon bagels?"

Edward laughed and shook his head. "Well, I brought some, but the star of this little show grabbed the last one."

Emmett scowled and gave a little shake of his head. "Figures," he muttered.

"Oh?" Edward asked with a quirk of his brow. "Is all not perfect in paradise?" He nudged Emmett. "Last I heard, you were all stoked about getting an actual job in 'the industry' as I recall."

"Don't remind me," Emmett said. "It's glamorized bullshit."

"What? Your job or the industry?" Edward asked teasingly.

"Both," Emmett replied immediately. "I thought you were in Florida anyway."

"Summer break," Edward said. "Figured I'd come out here and spend time with Nonna, and the next thing I know, I'm her delivery boy."

"Guilted you into it, huh?" Emmett asked with a smirk.

"Took her about thirty seconds," Edward replied with a mixture of admiration and chagrin.

"That's Nonna, for you," Emmett said. "Tell her I said hey, will you?"

"Tell her yourself," Edward suggested. "Come over for dinner on Saturday. She's baking."

"Who's cooking?"

Edward tried to look innocent and failed miserably. "My cousin," he admitted.

"Which one?"

"You know which one," Edward scoffed. "Which one is the best damned cook in the state of California?"

"Shit," Emmett said. "You know Rose doesn't like me."

"Well she did at one time," Edward reminded him. "Then you blew it."

"Yeah, I blew it," Emmett said. "Still, she didn't have to break my finger."

"That was an accident," Edward said. "If she'd been looking to really injure you, you wouldn't have gotten out of the hospital for a week."

"True," Emmett said. "I'll think about it. But don't mention it to Rosie, okay?"

"Can I tell Nonna?"

"Hell no," Emmett said. "If you do, she'll be on the phone to Rosie first thing and then..." He shook his head. "If I can make it, it'll be a nice surprise for your Nonna."

"And a shitty one for Rose," Edward predicted.

Emmett grinned and shrugged. "We'll have to see how it plays out." He looked behind him. "Listen, I gotta go. This director is chafing my ass big time."

"Tell your dad hi for me," Edward said with a wink.

"Pray for me, buddy," Emmett said with a long suffering sigh. "I've got to go tell Bella the Bitch that we're rewriting some scenes."

"Bella the bitch?"

Emmett gave a wide grin. "Yeah, it's just a term of affection among us lowly mortals here on the set." He shrugged his massive shoulders. "Besides, she snagged the last cinnamon bagel. The woman's evil, pure and simple."


	2. Chapter 2: Odd One

I don't own these characters. They are the sole property of Stephenie Meyer. I only borrow them. No humans are permanently harmed through my actions, though I do confess to harassing, annoying, torturing, and exasperating them – just because it's fun. I make no money from my little stories, sad day. I only play in the sandbox, I didn't build it.

**Chapter 2: Odd One**

_**Week Two**_

His first week back on the "other" coast had gone well, and he had settled in well at his grandmother's house. At first, he had told her that he was going to rent a house, but then she had argued and fussed and finally shed a very convincing tear and the next thing he knew, he was unpacking his suitcase on the old twin bed he'd slept in whenever he stayed at his grandparents' house. In fact, his very first wet dream had been on that bed, he thought with a wry grin. Thank goodness his Nonna had had a strict "do your own laundry" policy already in place. That had saved him some major embarrassment. More than once.

Though the mattress wasn't all that comfortable, his Nonna had made up with it by baking prodigious amounts of everything that had made her famous among the LA natives – if there really was such a creature. The only time he had gained her ire was when he shared the story of the bitch Bella (though he'd never actually say that word around his grandmother if he wanted to remain in possession of testicles) stealing the last cinnamon bagel.

"And what were those bagels there for?" Nonna asked, waving her wooden spoon around as she questioned him.

Edward mumbled his reply, suddenly feeling seven years old again. "Well, I just wanted the one," he explained rather lamely.

"You had six waiting here for you," Nonna scolded.

"But I was hungry_ then_, and I knew it was going to be hours until I got home and-"

"I think that this Bella is not the only brat," Nonna muttered as she resumed mixing the ingredients in the big bowl that Edward had always associated with cookies and the smell of vanilla.

"Nonna!" Edward protested. "You're supposed to take my side...no matter what."

"Not if you're being a spoiled, greedy little boy," Nonna informed him. "Would it have killed you to be nice to her?"

"She wasn't nice to _me_," Edward muttered.

"She wasn't anything to you," Nonna corrected. "She wasn't rude to you, was she?" Nonna turned and looked at him expectantly.

Edward hesitated and her gaze sharpened behind her glasses. Those green eyes were faded, but they were no less powerful than they had been when he was a child. "No," he finally said reluctantly. "But I really would have liked to had that bagel," he felt compelled to add, knowing even as he did so that he was whining.

Nonna rolled her eyes at that. "And you had six waiting here, so who is being rude now?"

"I didn't say anything to her," Edward reminded Nonna.

Nonna rolled her eyes again and shook her head in disgust. "Men, boys...all the same," she said under her breath.

Edward sighed deeply. "I'm sorry, Nonna, and I'll promise I'll be nice unless she isn't."

"You'll be nice no matter what," Nonna said with an emphatic nod. "Or you'll answer to me, young man."

"Nonna," Edward said as he moved in behind her and hugged her tightly. "I love you."

She grunted with disdain but a little smile tugged at her lips. "You're a bad boy," she finally said. "But I love you, too."

"I'm not bad," Edward insisted. "I just love your bagels and I want them all for myself."

"Hmph," Nonna said. She smacked his hand with the wooden spoon when he tried to steal a bit of cookie batter. "You behave yourself and be nice to this Bella."

"She's a spoiled star," Edward protested. "Everyone bends over backwards to cater to her every whim."

"And how many of them are just being nice to her because it's the right thing to do and not because they hope she can do something for them?" Nonna questioned, still mixing the batter.

"You're tough," Edward told her with a wink.

"And if you try to steal more batter, you'll see just how tough I can be, young man," she warned, waving her spoon around.

**~S&A~**

Edward was on the set bright and early, as his Nonna had instructed him to do, mostly because not to do so was just asking for trouble. No one wanted Nonna trouble, least of all Edward. His grandmother might have had to stretch to reach five feet tall, but she had a wooden spoon and she wasn't afraid to use it...or guilt. She was a pro at dishing out guilt. Of course, she always handed out a healthy dose of love and affection with it, so the guilty party only ended up feeling guiltier. Yep, Nonna was a pro.

"You should have been there," Edward said when Emmett approached the craft table that Monday morning.

Emmett just flushed and shrugged. "Yeah, well, I didn't really want to risk the wrath of Rose," he explained.

"You missed a great dinner, and Nonna made her famous chocolate mousse cake," Edward said with a smirk.

Emmett moaned and rubbed his belly. "Shit," he muttered. "And I had old Chinese take out instead."

"Maybe you ought to just apologize to Rose and throw yourself on her mercy," Edward suggested. "I hear groveling works well in these situations."

"Yeah, like that'll work," Emmett said with a scowl. "Rose holds a grudge."

"No shit," Edward said. "It's only been a year, so maybe you ought to give her another two or three more years before you make your move."

Emmett's expression brightened. "You think that'll work?"

"No," Edward replied shortly. "But maybe she'll be dating someone else by then so your asinine behavior won't be such a big deal."

"She's not dating anyone?" Emmett asked.

"Not last I checked," Edward said with a shrug. "But it's not like we talk all the time. I'm usually busy with work. I only took the summer off to give Nonna a hand. Usually, I'd be whipping young minds into shape and all that."

"Does your Nonna hate me?" Emmett asked. "I haven't seen her since...well, you know."

"Nonna doesn't say much one way or the other," Edward answered. "But you could always ask her yourself. Man up and go talk to her...go talk to both of them."

Emmett thought about it a moment and then shook his head. "Nope," he finally said. "I'm not that brave yet."

"Your loss, man," Edward said. "One of these days maybe you'll grow a set and face Rose. If not..." He shrugged. "Well, that's between you and her. I told Rose the same thing when she asked why the hell I was still talking to you."

"She asked about me?" Emmett said hopefully.

"She asked why I still bothered to talk to you," Edward corrected. "Big difference."

"Shit," Emmett muttered. "But you know thanks man, for still...you know, for still talking to me."

Edward shrugged. "Hey, whatever troubles you and Rose have, well, they're between you two, right?"

"Yeah, I guess," Emmett replied, looking abashed. "Still, it's decent of you, especially considering I'm the douche in this little scenario."

"I-"

"Excuse me," came a quiet voice. They turned as one to see Bella, not looking very bitchy if the truth was told, Edward thought. She looked...tired. And hugry.

She prepared to step around them, obviously intending on getting to the table. The rest of the crew was otherwise occupied, not that any of them would have approached the young woman. Edward's lips quirked and he cocked his head to study her. "You're not going to take the last cinnamon bagel are you?" he teased.

Her expression was shocked and then changed into something he couldn't quite identify. "Uh...I'm sorry..." Then her shoulders straightened. "I didn't see your name on it, bagel boy."

Emmett snickered and gave Edward a thump on the back before retreating. Coward.

"Bagel boy?" he asked, sort of turned on by the nickname in a weird way.

Bella shrugged and moved around him, standing in front of the table and preparing to make her choices. A plate full of cinnamon bagels rested temptingly on the right hand corner. She looked over her shoulder at him and her dark eyes glimmered with laughter. Moving to the right, her hand hovered over the plate of bagels – one dozen in all. "These cinnamon bagels?" she asked.

Edward's expression was smug. "You can't eat all twelve," he told her.

"Maybe not," Bella conceded, tapping at her full lower lip with a finger. "At least, not in one sitting."

Something told Edward he was about to be out-maneuvered.

Her smile grew triumphant. "But you know, I have this strange feeling that cinnamon bagels are my new favorite food. Ever. So I think I'll just take these and put them in my dressing room."

With that, she lifted the plate and sauntered by him, whistling a little tune. He heard her laugh, which almost distracted him from the sway of her hips. "See you later, bagel boy!"

He watched her until she was out of sight and he wondered which Bella was the real Bella – the reputed bratty bitch...or the temptress who had just stolen the last cinnamon bagel. Again.

Damn it.

But she sure as hell looked fine walking away carrying her spoils, he conceded.


	3. Ch 3: The Little Things Give You Away

I don't own these characters. They are the sole property of Stephenie Meyer. I only borrow them. No humans are permanently harmed through my actions, though I do confess to harassing, annoying, torturing, and exasperating them – just because it's fun. I make no money from my little stories, sad day. I only play in the sandbox, I didn't build it.

**Chapter 3: The Little Things Give You Away**

The week before Edward had only delivered breakfast to the set on one day. This week, he was schedule to bring food Monday through Friday. And what had seemed like a burden only the weekend before suddenly became quite...intriguing.

On Monday, the enigmatic Ms. Swan had stolen the bagels – all of them. When Edward went home and told Nonna what had happened, she had burst into laughter. "I think I'd like this Bella," she murmured. Edward hadn't wanted to laugh as he told the story, really he hadn't. But he'd been unable to help himself as he related it.

"Well, I can't really fault her taste," Edward conceded. "You do make the best bagels in California."

"Only California?" Nonna asked archly and gave a little snort.

"All right, all right, the best bagels in the nation...in the whole wide world," he corrected as he hugged her.

She giggled like a young girl. "Apparently, even movie stars agree," Nonna reminded him.

Edward frowned. And then he smiled. Finally, he shrugged. "I guess they do," he agreed.

"You should take her in something special sometime," Nonna suggested.

Edward snorted. "Yeah, like she doesn't get a million things given to her every day."

Nonna settled a sharp look on him, her hands on her hips. "Since when did my grandson get to be such a cynic?"

Snorting again, Edward ended up ducking the spoon that magically appeared in Nonna's hand. He didn't want to know where she had had it hidden. "You're not too old to spank you know," Nonna warned.

Edward playfully dodged behind the couch. "Actually, I think I am," he challenged with a wink. "Now it's just plain old assault!" He laughed at his grandmother, but the twinkle in her eyes wiped the grin from his face.

"Who would believe that a little old woman could hurt a strapping young man like you?" Nonna questioned, batting her eyelashes outrageously.

"Anyone who knew you," Edward countered.

Nonna grunted and shrugged. "Perhaps," was all she would allow. Then she left him there and was walking back into the kitchen, her bony shoulders slumped.

"Ah, Nonna, don't be mad," Edward jogged after her. The old woman could move fast when she wanted to. "You know I'm just kidding," he said as he wrapped his arms around her in front of the stove.

"So you'll give the nice young lady a special treat from me then?" She gazed up at him, utterly sure of her power over him.

And damn it, she had every right to be sure.

Edward heaved a sigh of resignation. "Sure, Nonna, anything you say."

"That's what I thought," Nonna replied with satisfaction. Then she frowned thoughtfully. "What do you think, the chocolate mousse stuffed bagel?"

"Nonna!" Edward sounded shocked. "That's a family secret recipe!" The dessert bagel was practically a legend in his family. It was said that after tasting it, his grandfather had proposed to his grandmother – on the spot. They had known each other three days when he proposed; at least that was how the story went.

"It's _my_ secret recipe," Nonna reminded him.

Edward frowned, his lips pulling into a sulk. "No one, but _no one_, has ever had one of those that wasn't related," he said.

Nonna shrugged. "My recipe, my business," she said.

"You're setting a bad precedent," he grumbled.

"You're sulking again," Nonna retorted.

"Am not," he muttered.

Nonna caressed his cheek just as she had done when he was a little boy and had gotten in trouble with his parents. "You are," she insisted and then she smiled. "But it's all right, you're still my favorite grandson."

"I'm your only grandson," Edward reminded her with a little quirk of his lips.

"Then it's a good thing you're my favorite, yes?" Nonna teased.

**~S&A~**

On Tuesday, when the temptress/bitch/bagel thief approached the table Edward guarded, she gave him a smug smile and patted her belly. "Man, I wish I could eat some of this great stuff, but I'm still so full..." She winked. "Those bagels really are amazing, you know."

Edward grunted, still not over his pique.

She surveyed the table, tapping one long, red fingernail against her lower lip, which matched the intense color of her nail. "Hmmm...good thing I already ate," she commented. "I don't see any cinnamon bagels this morning." She grinned at him. "That's a real shame...for you."

It was true. Nonna hadn't made any cinnamon bagels. She had done it on purpose, Edward knew. For some reason, his grandmother had taken the side of the bagel snatching superstar.

Women, he thought, they always stick together.

**~S&A~**

Wednesday morning found Edward standing triumphantly by the full plate of cinnamon bagels. When he heard the buzz of the assembled crew, he knew that Bella Swan was approaching.

When she was close enough to see him clearly, he tucked a plate of fresh cinnamon bagels under the table. To his shock, and that of the assembled crew, she simply knelt down, ducked and grabbed the plate, scooting out from under the table; then she held her trophy up with a grin.

"Please," she said, shaking her head. "As if that would stop me."

Rising to her feet, she began walking among the crew, offering a cinnamon bagel to anyone who wanted one. Edward was torn between amusement as he watched the faces of the crew that supposedly hated her taking the baked bit of heaven, and feeling let down as he realized that there would be no cinnamon bagel for him that morning.

Again.

**~S&A~**

He didn't see her Thursday morning and he told himself quite firmly that he wasn't disappointed. He ate the last cinnamon bagel and tried very much not to feel guilty, though he knew he'd end up confessing his sin to his Nonna. She'd take one look at him and know. He consoled himself with the thought that it had been left over, sitting there and looking quite...lonely.

When his allotted time was over, he loaded up the delivery van and bagged up his trash. On his way out, he stopped by the dumpster and threw the bags inside. Movement to his left caught his eye and he turned.

There was Bella, on her hands and knees on the dirty pavement and she was staring at a bush. Well, under a bush. The breeze picked up and brought her words to him.

"Come on," she was begging. "I won't hurt you. I promise..."

Then the tiniest little ball of fluff Edward had ever seen tottered out from beneath the shrub to investigate Bella's out stretched hand. She reached out with her other hand and plucked up the tiny kitten. Cradling against her, she turned and walked away, crooning softly to the thing.

She had never seen Edward, never even once glanced his way.

Her voice was nice, he thought, as he watched her walking away. Her butt wasn't bad either, he added with a grin.

**~S&A~**

By Friday, the whole set was abuzz with the news that the male lead was finally arriving. "Other obligations" had kept him out of the country until now, but Jaz Whitlock was due any time now. Edward pretended not to listen to the gossip as he loaded up the tables that morning.

"I heard they had a thing..."

"...then he found her in bed with the director – and the director's wife..."

"No, she dumped him because he was the one in bed with the director and his wife..."

"They've been best friends since they were kids, you idiot!"

"They don't even speak to each other."

And so it went. Every story was different and most of them were direct contradictions to each other. Edward decided that they were making him crazy and decided to ignore them. Finally, a giant of a man approached the table and cleared his throat. Edward put down the book he was reading and looked up at the guy. He was going to get a crick in his neck. Edward stood up but it didn't help much.

"You got any of those cinnamon bagel things?" The giant looked uncomfortable.

"Yeah," Edward said and the giant looked relieved.

"Thank fuck!" he said with a shudder. "I don't even want to think about the ass chewing I'd get from her if you didn't."

"Her?" Edward asked.

"Bitchella," he said. Then he blushed, which Edward found most amusing in a man of this behemoth's size. "Sorry, please don't say anything..."

"Na, it's cool man," Edward replied easily, but in truth he didn't like it at all. Not one bit. He put two bagels on a paper plate and handed it the guy. "Here you go."

"Thanks," the guy said. "I'm Jake, by the way. I'm Bella's assistant."

Edward merely nodded and sat down and picked up his book again.

"Douche," he muttered under his breath as the giant walked away.

Later that morning, the noise increased suddenly and Edward knew that Mr. Bigshot must have arrived. He wondered what the deal was with Whitlock and the ever-enigmatic Bella. To Edward's surprise, Whitlock arrived with only one hanger-on, not the entourage that Edward had expected. Whitlock was ambling by when he sniffed the air and turned abruptly.

"I'm starving," he announced as he turned and made his way to the table. He gave Edward a friendly smile. "Smells great," he said with a hint of an accent that Edward couldn't quite identify.

"It is great," Edward affirmed.

Whitlock carefully piled some goodies on his plate and took a bite of one while he stood there. Groaning, Whitlock chewed with a blissful look on his face. "God, I haven't had anything this good since the last time I was in town." He tilted his head and studied Edward. "You look familiar," he said in a puzzled voice.

Edward, just as bewildered since he knew there was no reason for his face to be familiar to a Hollywood star, just shrugged. "Don't see how," he replied.

Whitlock chewed, his expression thoughtful. "It'll come to me," he said after he swallowed. "I remember faces, and yours..." He shrugged too. "Thanks," he added, holding up the plate. "I've been starving for hours and we didn't have a chance to stop."

"My pleasure, Mr. Whitlock," Edward replied.

"Call me Jaz, or Whit if you want," the star said.

"Edward Cullen," he said with a nod.

"Shit!" Whit said with a grin. "No wonder this tastes so good! You're one of those crazy baking Cullens, aren't you?"

Edward's smile grew wide. "Well, not on a permanent basis, but yeah, I'm one of those crazy baking Cullens."

"No shit," Jaz said with a shake of his head. "You're Hollywood royalty then."

"Only in the most behind-the-scenes and roundabout way possible, I guess," Edward replied modestly. "But mostly, it's my grandparents and father and aunt who should get the credit. I just go where I'm ordered and help out when I can. Just here for the summer for my Nonna. She orders and I march." Whitlock laughed and Edward had a feeling that even movie stars had to jump when grandmothers said to.

"Still," Jaz said. "It's a damned honor to meet you. I order stuff from your family's bakery all the time. And now I'm getting it on set," he said with a happy smack of his lips. "This project's looking up already."


	4. Chapter 4: Come as You Are

I don't own these characters. They are the sole property of Stephenie Meyer. I only borrow them. No humans are permanently harmed through my actions, though I do confess to harassing, annoying, torturing, and exasperating them – just because it's fun. I make no money from my little stories, sad day. I only play in the sandbox, I didn't build it.

**Chapter 4: Come as You Are**

Edward kept checking the bakery box that rested on the seat beside him in the delivery van. The box was secured with a seat belt and nestled into a foam square so that even if he had to come to an abrupt stop, the box wouldn't go flying off the seat. Some might have thought it a bit extreme to take such care, but since Edward knew exactly what was snuggled into the pretty blue box, he wouldn't have been opposed to an armed guard.

And it was all for her benefit.

Life, as Edward was discovering, was seldom fair. In less than an hour, Bella - the Bitch, the Kitten Savior, the Enigma Wrapped in Mystery - was going to be savoring a taste that few outside the Cullen family had ever sampled. It had happened in the past, but only very rarely and with great forethought.

Nonna's famous Chocolate Mousse Bagel...that bit of tempting paradise from his grandmother's own oven, baked by her own hands. Edward himself could remember looking forward to Easter and Christmas because he knew his Nonna would be serving her special creation. Now, however, in a rare and unbelievable slap in the face of tradition, someone not in the family would get a glimpse into heaven, one bite at a time.

Sighing, Edward glanced once more at the box. The aroma wafting through the air made his mouth water. There was a single bagel in there, a single perfect bagel lightly sprinkled with confectioner's sugar and cocoa. Inside the soft white "flesh" of the bagel, his Nonna had injected the sweetest, richest chocolate mousse ever created. Edward licked his lips.

For one crazy, insane moment, he considered stuffing that bagel into face and telling Nonna that he had given the thing to the Hollywood hot shot. Then he remembered that his Nonna could smell a lie a mile away and see deception in the flicker of an eyelash. Nonna's bullshit detector was flawless and ruthless.

So, while Edward Cullen was sitting just a few feet away from the world's best bagel, he was, sadly, going to remain unfulfilled.

Because even the best bagel in the world wasn't worth bringing down the wrath of Nonna.

Probably.

**~~S&A~**

When he knocked on her door, he was shocked when the big star herself actually answered it. It was the first time he'd seen her completely without make up and she looked...young. Very young. He frowned at her.

She smiled at him.

She was doing it on purpose, he decided, just to throw him off. He held up the pretty blue box with a scowl. "Here," he said, somewhat ungraciously.

Her smile grew wider but she didn't take the box. "What is it?" she asked.

"It's for you," Edward replied, chewing at his lower lip. Why did she have to smell like vanilla and nutmeg? It reminded him of happy times, hours of his childhood spent running around the bakery, sneaking treats every now and then. It made him want to smile.

So he frowned more ferociously.

She laughed then and shook her head. "I didn't ask you who it was for; I asked you what it was."

"It's from my grandmother," he explained.

"What is it?" Bella asked again, tilting her head to the side as she studied him.

Edward blew out an exasperated sigh. "It's a bagel," he said shortly.

"A cinnamon bagel?" She still didn't reach for the stupid blue box and Edward was about to eat it himself and tell Nonna that the big star had refused her offering. Then maybe his grandmother would finally take the right side in all of this – _his._

"Nope," he replied with a shake of his head. "But if you don't want it..." he started to turn and walk away.

"Hold it right there, bagel boy," Bella said.

He turned back toward her, arching one brow. "What if I don't like it when you call me bagel boy?" he asked.

Her lips quirked and she winked. "But you do like it."

"Maybe," he mused aloud. "Maybe not."

"You do," Bella said with conviction.

"What if I asked you to stop it?"

"You won't," she ventured.

"What makes you so sure?" Edward asked.

She gave a little shrug and stepped out of the trailer, wrapped in a fluffy yellow robe. For the first time, he noticed that she had on slippers. Ducky slippers, he noted with a shake of his head. "In my line of work, you get to be good at reading people," she finally said as she came to a stop one step away from him. Lifting her face a bit, she sniffed delicately. "That's chocolate," she said with surprise.

"It is," Edward confirmed.

Bella licked her lips and Edward wanted to groan. Her lips were plump and pink and looked much better naked.

Naked.

Shit.

Not good. He put the bakery box in front of him and the song "Cock in a Box" started repeating over and over in his head. Fuck...

"I want it," Bella said greedily as she put her hands on the box.

_She wants it_, he moaned to himself.

"It might be more than you can handle," he told her with a smirk.

Rolling her eyes at him, she just shook her head. "Grow up." Then she snatched the box – and his camouflage – in a surprise move.

Bella was fast; he had to give her that. He wondered briefly if he should attempt to adjust himself but then he noticed that Bella wasn't paying the slightest attention to his problem. In fact, she was staring into the open box with the sort of rapturous awe he would have liked to see on her face while she stared at something else. Preferably something in his pants, he decided.

He snorted at himself then.

As if.

Bella carefully and reverently withdrew the bagel from its little nest. "Oh my God," she whispered as she inhaled deeply. "Chocolate...oh so chocolate."

Edward thought of some other words she could whisper in just that tone of voice.

"Yeah, my grandmother told me to bring it to you," he muttered, shoving his hands in his pockets and digging the toe of one boot into the ground.

"Did you lick it?" Bella asked and his head jerked up in shock.

"What?"

"Did you lick it?" she asked very slowly, as if he was a child who hadn't been paying attention.

"No," he replied. "Gross."

"I'd still eat it," Bella said with a shrug. "Just wanted to know."

"You're weird," Edward opined.

"Thanks," Bella replied with a grin. At that moment, a fluffy grey blur sped past them. "Oh shit!" She shoved the bagel into Edward's hands, dropping the box and starting after the kitten. "Dean, damn it! Get your furry little ass over here!"

And just as Bella took off, another little fluffy blur sped in between Edward's legs. This one looked more brown than grey. Bella had caught up with Dean at that point, and was cuddling him close to her boobs. Edward had time to wonder if she'd cuddle him there too just before he plucked up the other tiny escapee. Bella was hurrying over then, and grabbed the other kitten from Edward.

"Sammie!" Bella scolded. "You know better than that. You're usually much better behaved than your brother."

Edward's lips quirked. "Let me get this straight..." He pointed to the gray ball of fluff currently resting with his little black nose in the middle of Bella's cleavage. "That's Dean?" She nodded, looking a bit embarrassed. Edward held up the bagel-free hand, the one clutching at a loudly mewing kitten. "And this is Sammie?" She jerked her chin up.

"Yes, so what?"

"I'm guessing they're not named after the Rat Pack," Edward teased.

Bella shrugged. "So I like Supernatural, is that a crime?"

Edward grinned. "Nope, just making an observation."

"Well keep your observations to yourself," Bella suggested. She put the kittens in her trailer and quickly closed the door. Wiping her hands off on her robe, she picked up the box and held it out to Edward. "And please deposit my bagel in the box, thank you." She sounded so prim and proper that he wanted to pin her up against the wall of her trailer and see if she sounded so polite then.

He put the bagel in the box. "We have a tradition in my family, you know."

"Yeah, what's that?"

Grinning at her, he pointed to the box. "When a Cullen presents someone of the opposite sex with one of these chocolate mousse bagels, the traditional response is to reward the bearer of that gift with a kiss."

She rolled her eyes and turned abruptly. "Bye, bagel boy."

"I'll wait for that kiss," he called out.

She shot him the finger over her shoulder.

Edward laughed.

She still looked hot walking away, ducky slippers and all.

**~S&A~**

Later that morning, as Edward was packing everything away, he looked up to see Jaz Whitlock snatching up the last of the donuts. He shoved the whole thing into his mouth in a single bite. He chewed for a few minutes while Edward worked and then finally swallowed loudly.

"Good," Jaz grunted.

"You Tarzan, donut good," Edward mocked.

"Hey," Whitlock said. "I've been filming all morning and I was-"

"Starving," Edward interrupted dryly. "You're starving every time I see you."

"What? I'm a morning person. Can't stand to skip breakfast," Jaz muttered, eyeing the lone slice of pumpernickel bread left on the plate. He snatched it up as well and looked over Edward's shoulder. "You got any bagels left in there?" he asked hopefully.

Edward reached in and grabbed a box. "Here, not sure exactly what's left, but you're welcome to it."

Jaz groaned in appreciation as he opened the box. "Thanks, man," he mumbled, already popping something else into his mouth.

"Aren't stars supposed to watch what they eat?" Edward asked.

"Yeah, my agent will be all over my ass if my costumes are tight," Jaz agreed unrepentantly. "But I figure it's easier to ask forgiveness than to ask permission."

Edward grinned and shook his head. "Man, I'm glad my boss doesn't give a shit what I eat," he said.

"Yeah, you work in a bakery, so it's kind of a given you'll eat the wares, right?" Jaz asked in between bites.

"No, I'm just helping out the family this summer," Edward explained. "My parents are out of the country on a long overdue vacation and I have the summer off so..." He shrugged. "Here I am."

"How can you leave when you own a whole bakery?" Jaz asked in disbelief. "I'd be as big as a house. They'd have to airlift me out."

Edward snorted and shook his head. "No, you get used to it."

"So what do you do?" Jaz asked. "When you're not trying to fatten up actors, that is?"

"I teach, adjunct professor at a college in Florida," he replied.

Jaz frowned thoughtfully. "Yeah? What subject?"

"History, mostly Civil War era," Edward said.

Jaz's mouth dropped open. "So that's why you look familiar!"

Edward looked puzzled. "You take my class?" Then he snorted. "No way, I haven't been teaching that long and I'd remember if a big star took my class."

"No," Jaz answered. "But I did read your book and I really liked it."

Edward laughed. "You and two other people besides my grandmother and parents, then." He smiled. "But wow...it's kind of cool to know that someone not related to me actually read my book."

"You're a good writer," Jaz said fervently. "I guess the Civil War just isn't a big seller."

"Yeah well..." Edward felt embarrassed now, oddly out of sorts to have revealed his pleasure that someone had read his book. He also wanted to kick himself for allowing his publisher, a woman who had made eyes at him during every meeting, to talk him into putting his picture on the dust jacket.

"Seriously, it was good, you're like the Shelby Foote of this generation or something," Jaz said.

"Yeah, and so many people know that name," Edward said.

"Still..."

"Listen, thanks man, for telling me that you read it, and that you liked it," Edward said as he closed up the van's doors. "It means a lot to me."

Edward was about to get into the van when Jaz came up to him. "Listen, thanks for being nice to Bells."

"Bells?"

Jaz grimaced. "Bella," he corrected himself. "Just...thanks." He looked around him as if trying to decide if he should say anything more. "She's...she's good people," he finally said. "No matter what anyone says, so just thanks...for treating her like a real person."

With that, Jaz turned on his heel, leaving Edward to stare after him.

Hollywood people really _were_ weird, he decided.

_**Author's Note: We have two kittens...named Dean and Sammie. They inspired that story line, so you'll just have to put up with their cuteness because this is happening. Oh yeah, I went there**_.


	5. Chapter 5: Get Out Alive

I don't own these characters. They are the sole property of Stephenie Meyer. I only borrow them. No humans are permanently harmed through my actions, though I do confess to harassing, annoying, torturing, and exasperating them – just because it's fun. I make no money from my little stories, sad day. I only play in the sandbox, I didn't build it.

_**Author's Note: As for the chocolate mousse bagel, I am currently playing with a recipe for one. It's slow going, but the tasting process is a lot of fun!**_

**Chapter 5: Get Out Alive**

The next Monday morning, Edward was surprised to see Jaz Whitlock standing there waiting for him. He helped Edward unload the food, much to Edward's embarrassment and the shock of the gathering crew. "Aren't you supposed to be off...I don't know, acting or something? Earning your ginormous paycheck?" Edward teased.

Jaz shrugged and Edward noticed that the other man looked a bit embarrassed. "Yeah, well, they're doing some stunt scenes right now and my contract forbids me from 'dangerous activities' that might cause serious injury," Jaz scoffed.

Edward grinned at his companion. "So you have a knack for getting hurt, do you?"

Jaz returned the grin. "There may or may not have been a little incident with a motorcycle a few movies ago," he conceded. "Beyond that, I'm not commenting."

Edward laughed. "That reminds me of the summer my father bought me a dirt bike and my mother didn't speak to him for two weeks."

"I'm surprised your father lived that long," Jaz observed. "My mama doesn't mess around when it came to her babies."

Snorting, Edward shook his head. "No shit, I think my dad _did_ end up sleeping on the couch for the whole two weeks, though."

After that, the silence was comfortable at first, and then it got...awkward. "Listen," Jaz said at the same moment Edward murmured, "Sooo..."

They both laughed and Jaz shoved his hands in his pockets and looked down at his feet. "Listen," he began again. "I was just wondering..." He gave a little laugh and hunched his shoulders like a little boy who had been caught in some act of mischief. When he looked at Edward, his cheeks were slightly pink. "I was just wondering if maybe you'd...well, you know...sign my copy of your book?"

Edward could only gape at the movie star. "Excuse me?" he asked. Surely he hadn't heard what he'd thought he'd heard. No way. No. Freaking. Way.

Jaz's shoulders hunched inward even more and the color in his face heightened. "Never mind," he muttered. "No biggie, I mean, I know it's probably out of line and-"

"Hold on," Edward interrupted. "I just want to enjoy this out-of-body experience if you don't mind."

Jaz looked up and met Edward's amused green gaze. "What?"

"Well, how often does a regular guy, a history professor much less, get asked by a big Hollywood movie star for his autograph?" Edward asked.

"You shit," Jaz said with a grin. Then he gave Edward a good punch on the shoulder just for the hell of it. Edward winced and rubbed at the injury.

"I could sue you for assault you know," Edward reminded him with a smirk.

"Have at it, Professor," Jaz challenged. "My team of lawyers will have you crying like a pussy in about thirty seconds flat."

"Quit being such a movie star," Edward mocked. "It's not a good look for you."

Whatever Jaz might have said in response was forgotten when a deep voice interrupted. "Hey, you two mind interrupting the love fest while I grab some breakfast for Her Majesty?"

Edward looked up to see Jake standing there with a sullen expression on his face. Quickly, he put some cinnamon bagels on a plate and shoved them into the guy's hand. "Here," he said.

They both watched him walk away. "That guy's a douche," Edward grumbled.

Jaz merely shrugged. "Maybe, maybe not. His job isn't easy," he observed quietly.

Surprised at Jaz's defense of someone who had bad-mouthed Bella, Edward gaped at him for a moment. Seeing the confusion on Edward's face, Jaz sat down on the edge of the table. Edward looked around and noticed that the rest of the crew was giving them a wide berth, waiting for some sort of secret signal before they descended like the ravenous locusts they usually were. "I'm just saying that the guy doesn't have an easy job," Jaz said again. "He's new, for one thing, and for another, working for a big star can be...demanding," he explained with a little smile.

"Yeah, but he called Bella a-"

"Yeah, I know," Jaz cut him off. "But to be honest, she _can_ be a bitch. Just like I can be a right bastard when I want to be."

Edward frowned. "I don't get it," he finally said. "You're always nice when I'm around you, and you don't act like a movie star at all – nothing like I thought you would."

"Thanks," Jaz said dryly.

Edward rolled his eyes. "You know what I mean."

"I do," Jaz admitted with a nod. He wiped at his face. "What I'm trying to say is that people like me – and Bella – we have to remember that somebody's always looking for an angle to get at us."

"I'm not following," Edward told him.

"There aren't that many people we can't let our guards down around, so mostly, we just be what they expect us to be and they don't bother to look any deeper," Jaz said.

"I'm still not getting this," Edward said with frustration.

"Sometimes the best way to avoid a problem is to confuse the enemy," Jaz said cryptically.

"Okay, Master Obi-Wan," Edward muttered. "Still not following you."

Jaz laughed and then sighed. "I've known Bella a long time, since she first started in the business, and she was a sweet, sweet girl when we did that first movie. That fundamental truth hasn't really changed."

"But?"

"But she found out quick that almost everyone around her was just looking for a way to get something from her, to use her success to jump start their own careers, or get them some publicity or money, or whatever the fuck it was they needed at the time," Jaz said quietly, looking around him to make sure no one was within hearing distance. "People aren't content just so see your work, they want to dig into your soul, turn you inside out. You put up barriers and fast, or you get destroyed. It's that simple."

"So you're saying Bella is a bitch on purpose?" Edward asked in disbelief.

"I'm saying that we all have our own ways of coping," Jaz replied. "Me? I play dumber'n dirt."

"Wow, you're a really good actor," Edward dead-panned.

"Smart ass," was the only reply for a moment. Then Jaz shrugged. "Like I said, we all have our own ways of getting out of this shit alive. I have mine...and she has hers."

"So why you telling me this?" Edward had to know.

Jaz shrugged and looked a bit embarrassed. "Let's just say I trust a fellow history nerd and leave it at that."

Edward thought it over. "Okay, I can deal with that." He ran his hands through his hair. "So Bella... Bitch or not?"

"She's an actress, and a damned good one," Jaz said with a smile. "Just remember that."

With that, the guy grabbed a donut and sauntered away. This time, Edward didn't enjoy the view. At all.

And apparently, that had been the signal that the crew was waiting for, because they invaded en masse the very next instant.

**~~S&A~~**

Edward didn't see much of Bella over the next few days. Jaz brought by his copy of Edward's book, which Edward signed with a dramatic flourish.

"To Jasper Whitlock, the most famous guy to ever read my book. Love and Many Kisses, Edward Cullen, Professor."

"Ha, ha," Jaz said.

Edward just scrunched up his face and made kissing noises. On Thursday, Edward knew that Jaz and Bella would be filming a sex scene and he worked up the courage to ask Jaz what that was like.

Jaz grimaced. "Oh, trust me, it's the least sexy thing in the world."

"You ever... you know...?" Edward looked down toward his lap.

"Uh...no," Jaz said with a horrified expression.

"But the women, they're gorgeous, right?" Edward asked.

"Yeah," Jaz admitted. "But..." He shrugged. "Believe me, it's not sexy at all to hear people shouting directions at you the whole damned time." He smirked. "Though once I did fart – silent but deadly," he added proudly.

Edward burst into laughter. "What happened?"

"My co-star's nose started to twitch and then she got this horrified look on her face and then she started to look a little green, because it was really, really bad." Jaz looked around and leaned in. "To be honest, I thought about putting the blame on her. She had been absolutely relentless trying to get me into bed, even though I'd told her time and time again that I just wasn't interested. It would have served her right, and probably gotten her off my ass, but my mama raised me to be a gentleman so I 'fessed up and the crew had a good laugh." He winked. "Though she did leave me alone after that. Probably afraid I'd dutch oven her."

**~~S&A~~**

On Friday, Edward finally got a glimpse of Bella – Bella the Bitch. It involved Jake, which hadn't surprised Edward at all. Except...the scene hadn't gone down at all the way he would have anticipated.

As it happened, Edward had a front row seat, having been on his way to deliver yet another bit of confectionary heaven to the superstar. The door had been thrown open and there had been a flurry of movement. A young woman, one Edward had seen around the set, was stuttering an apology to Bella Swan. Or at least, she was trying to. Edward spotted Jake over Bella's shoulder, and his express was just as confused as Edward's probably was.

"...you think because he's new you can blame your incompetence on him?" Bella was hissing.

"No, I...I didn't mean..." the young woman was flustered and very red in the face.

"Oh, you didn't _mean_ to lie to me? You didn't _mean_ to put the blame on _my_ assistant when it was your own ass that should have been getting reamed?" Bella said, cocking one hip and staring down at the girl.

Jake caught Edward's eyes and his widened as if to say, "What the fuck is happening here?"

Edward just shrugged. Like he had fucking clue.

"You pull any shit like that again, and I'll make damn sure you never work in the industry again, not even as someone who cleans the toilets, you get me?" Bella's voice wasn't loud, but Edward had no doubt she meant every word she said.

"Yes, I mean, of course...uh, I'm sorry," the woman stuttered, looking both miserable and terrified.

Bella sniffed and flipped her hair over one shoulder. "You don't need to apologize to me, you need to apologize to Jake over here." With that, she pulled the young man forward and gave him a little shove. He looked only slightly less terrified than the woman.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Black," came the mumbled apology.

"Get out of my sight," Bella muttered. "I don't want to see your face for the next week at least."

With that, the young woman was only too grateful to escape the wrath of Bella Swan. Edward watched as Jake turned to his boss. "Uh...listen...Miss Swan? Thanks for-"

Bella held up her hand and waved away his words. "Save it, Black," she told him. "If anyone is going to make your life hell, it's _me_. Don't forget that." She sighed and ran her hands over her hair. "Go get me something to eat, will you?"

Jake swallowed hard and nodded, sliding past her and then walking by Edward. Bella turned and spotted Edward. He expected her to be angry, or even embarrassed at the scene he'd just witnessed. Instead, she smiled and approached him slowly. She had on bunny slippers this time.

They were kind of sexy.

"Hey," she said and then she pointed to the box. "That for me?"

Edward nodded, feeling tongue-tied and completely unsure. "Nonna sent it for you."

Bella opened the box and inhaled deeply. "Spicy...smells like my favorite pizza from home."

"It's a new recipe," Edward explained with a shrug. "Meant to be used to make sandwiches, I guess."

"I think I'll like it," Bella replied.

"Yeah, well, there you go," Edward said and turned to leave. He hadn't gotten far when her voice stopped him.

"Yo, bagel boy?"

With a small groan, he turned. "Yeah?"

Her smile widened, looking positively predatory. "Is there any family tradition associated with _this_ bagel?"

Grinning widely, he shook his head. "If I told you what I had in mind, you'd probably slap me," he admitted.

Her eyes went round for a moment and then she pursed her lips. "Guess you'll never know," she said and then turned and walked away.

Damn, the woman could rock some bunny slippers, he thought.


End file.
